the one who was never really mine – 4

Today is Wednesday. We made plans to on Sunday to see each other tonight to catch up. But that didn’t happen.

I told him that I would text him after church to give him an idea of when I would be able to get ice cream with him. His response to “Is 8:30 okay or do you need more time?” was “I won’t be able to tonight”. No explanation, no apology. When I asked why, he said that he wasn’t home yet. Y’all, I’m not trying to spend the whole night with him, just an hour or so.

No matter how much of an effort I make to make things easier for him, he never is able to get his crap together. It kills me.

It kills me that I’m I hopeless romantic. It kills me that I always manage to find something to get my hopes up about only to be crushed. It kills me that I love him so incredibly much, and he can’t even manage to let me know that he won’t be able to see me, that I have to contact him first. It kills me that he says over and over that he doesn’t want a relationship, but still looks at me the way Noah looks at Allie right before he kisses her with every ounce of his soul. It kills me that I can see a future with someone who wants nothing to do with marriage.

It kills me that I can care so much about someone who doesn’t give me a second thought.

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